Tokiuan

[Tokiuan Barr]

Character Information
Character Name: Tokiuan Barr
Gender: Male
Race: Demon
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Starting Planet: Cold
Personal Information
Main form of contact: [e-mail]
Do you have another character with us? Nope
How did you find us? Top Rpg Site

Other Information
RP Style: not sure :0

RP Sample: Tokiuan opened his eyes with agony, nothing had felt so painful before. Glimpses of a raging battle fluttered through his mind, disobeying his will to put together full memories. “This doesn't make any sense, I shouldn't be here.” Tokiuan said out loud looking upon falling snow, hitting nothing but already frozen earth. The face mask he wore began to fog up, it wouldn't take long to completely impair his vision. “This must be the planet cold, that family won't head politely to my presence here.” Tokiuan wasn't a being such a race would greet with open arms, well not with his track record as of late. The weather began to worsen, snow down poured in heavier sheets almost blocking out the oddly colored sky. Tokiuan snapped out of his trance with hast, heading off to the north in search of protection from the oncoming storm. A few other pedestrians of alien descent ran by, not paying to much attention to the six foot demon that was running right into the storm. This kind of weather wasn't normal where he came from, ignorance was bound to occur. “This is why I don't do trips very often.” Tokiuan grumbled followed by a few curses under his breath. The snow weighed down his steps, making it harder and harder to progress. “damn it!” this was insane how something so simple could hinder the abnormal in such ways. Several hours passed, all progression markers were gone if they actually mattered at all. Tokiuan fell to the ground exhausted, out of energy or will to move. If this damned planet wanted to swallow him whole, it was welcome to do so. Then as if something from the hell was guiding him to live, a light slowly poured through the raging blizzard, showing a small cavern nearly fifty feet away. “Just a few... more st-steps.” was the only thing Tokiuan could manage to sputter out with his freezing limbs. “Raaaaaaaah!” Tokiuan roared leaping into the air in hopes of making it to the save haven. His body landed hard, cracking his shoulder. Tokiuan yelled out in pain as his quivering body rolled inside of the cave.

Word Count- 366 (Read the other posts first, lol )

[Son Gohan]

Quite a good App with good writing. A suggestion for consideration; try spacing out your writing into paragraphs a little. Let me give you an example using your RP Sample:

Tokiuan opened his eyes with agony, nothing had felt so painful before. Glimpses of a raging battle fluttered through his mind, disobeying his will to put together full memories. “This doesn't make any sense, I shouldn't be here.” Tokiuan said out loud, looking upon falling snow, hitting nothing but already frozen earth. The face mask he wore began to fog up, it wouldn't take long to completely impair his vision. “This must be the planet cold, that family won't head politely to my presence here.”

Tokiuan wasn't a being such a race would greet with open arms, well not with his track record as of late. The weather began to worsen, snow down poured in heavier sheets almost blocking out the oddly colored sky. Tokiuan snapped out of his trance with hast, heading off to the north in search of protection from the oncoming storm. A few other pedestrians of alien descent ran by, not paying to much attention to the six foot demon that was running right into the storm. This kind of weather wasn't normal where he came from, ignorance was bound to occur.

“This is why I don't do trips very often.” Tokiuan grumbled followed by a few curses under his breath. The snow weighed down his steps, making it harder and harder to progress. “damn it!” this was insane how something so simple could hinder the abnormal in such ways. Several hours passed, all progression markers were gone if they actually mattered at all. Tokiuan fell to the ground exhausted, out of energy or will to move. If this damned planet wanted to swallow him whole, it was welcome to do so.

Then as if something from the hell was guiding him to live, a light slowly poured through the raging blizzard, showing a small cavern nearly fifty feet away. “Just a few... more st-steps.” was the only thing Tokiuan could manage to sputter out with his freezing limbs. “Raaaaaaaah!” Tokiuan roared leaping into the air in hopes of making it to the save haven. His body landed hard, cracking his shoulder. Tokiuan yelled out in pain as his quivering body rolled inside of the cave.

See the difference? Anyway, with that in mind...

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